Wednesday, October 03, 2012

I Want To Believe!

Mulder and Scully called today. They have been hearing disturbing reports of the smoking man, a.k.a, Alex Colby, smoking any number of lines across the windward coast over the last few months. Naturally, as these things go, with all the recent talk of aliens, they asked me to look into it. You see, there have been reports that actually link the smoking man to alien technology, and furthermore, to aliens themselves. This is not a surprise to me. Having known Mr. Colby for a few years now, his behavior of recent months is purely suspect -- he has been seen higher, faster, and farther out over the ocean (in order to communicate with the sub-marine alien pods) than he has ever been before!

In an effort to scrutinize Mr. Colby's behavior, I agreed to undertake a covert operation to determine the extent of his alien infiltration -- his abduction, if you will...

My operations have ranged far and wide over the last few months. I have assessed Mr. Colby's tolerance for patience, altitude, speed, range, and blood soluble alcohol -- it is evident that his tolerance for all of the above EXCEPT speed and range have been recorded within the previous acceptable norms. So, what is it that has so severely impacted the speed and range of his neural networking patterns? I believe that I have determined a comprehensible answer -- he has been infiltrated!

I believe that Mr. Colby is a victim of an Alien Symbiote, an amorphous alien parasite that only shows itself above sea level, generally in the 300 to 3,500 foot range. This symbiote is largely considered crazy by its fellow parasites as it has always sought a mutual bond with a host rather than complete domination. This derangement on behalf of the parasite may be the only thing keeping Mr. Colby in check. The symbiote in questions is the 6th of its generation. It is called the ICEPEAK and is largely considered a volatile infestation.

As noted today, in an uncharacteristic impulse, I charged ahead of the Mr. Colby/Icepeak pair and requested their presence at a local site called Kahana--this site is unique in its amazing properties to fuse ridge lift and thermic energy--I thought that the sites ability to fuse disparate energy might reveal some small "tell" and assist me in identifying the true nature of the symbiote.  Alas, as we met at Kahana, and determined the conditions, it was evident that the symbiote had other intentions.

We would not fly Kahana this day.  I suspect that the symbiote recognized my intent.  There have been numerous flights from Kahana where the Colby/Icepeak pair have had reasonable, some would say, astounding, success--this is largely due to the symbiote affecting the neural network of it host and causing an uncharacteristic belief in the reduction of physical forces such as drag, and gravity.  When the host is under such duress, it is incapable of flying "low" or "slow".  This is not a character flaw of the host; yet, it is evident in almost all cases of this infection.

Upon arriving at Kahana, we observed a unique blending of South/Southwest flow incorporating into an easterly sea breeze--this combination of energy patterns, and the confluence of these patterns with the prevailing topical geography, led me to believe that the requisite conditions for identifying the Icepeak symbiote and ascertaining its ultimate intentions was limited at this site.

I spoke to Mr. Colby and after some debate, I had talked him into flying at a different site.  I had to cajole Mr. Colby (having him call not one, but two local experts on west-side conditions) before he agreed to depart for the location known as Nanakuli--or "look at knee"--I suspect this naming convention comes from the overwhelming view of my kneecaps as I hike the trail to the launch!

Upon arriving at Nanakuli (look at knee), we had arranged a fair band of brothers.  All told, there was me, Mr. Colby, Jim of the 1-I, Doug of Maui (Kupua, demigod, trickster), and two visitors from far away lands (South Korea and Canada).  I knew this excursions would be telling.  I knew that the symbiote could not resist taking over if it indeed had overcome Mr. Colby--if it had, in essence become the pilot.

There was some grave concern on the hike as the Colby/symbiote pushed beyond all recognizable limitations for "normal" humans, but there was also some glimmer of humanity as, when I arrived minutes behind Mr. Colby, he offered that I "could go first".  Initially, I took this as confirmation of the alien symbiote's need for confirmation (it was looking for a wind dummy); but, upon further digestion, I realized that this was Mr. Colby's humanity exerting itself--knowing that under normal circumstances, once aloft, the Icepeak would drive him to impatience, distraction, and a general reluctance to "wait" for his compatriots.  He had offered that I go first, not as a way of determining the better line, but as a way of exerting his innate humanity--it is as if he cried, "I am a Man!"

With this startling reality in mind, I immediately readied for launch and quickly got off the hill.  My first passes were with little temerity.  I was interested in finding the lift I knew would be there.  Over time, I came into my own and found the Aspen 4 a thermalling machine--I had to check to make sure I had taken my own vaccine against the alien symbiote--it would not do for me to be covertly recording the actions of another while under the influence of my own alien inveiglement.  Luckily, I had poured a serving of the vaccine into my bottle of Gatorade--by the way, the only Gatorade suitable for alien symbiote vaccine is Lemon-Lime (all other flavors come out chalky--don't ask me why).

I soon found myself thermaling above Haleakala and drifting in thermals to the back range--I had an abrupt moment where I had to pull big-ears to avoid being sucked into a cloud, but other than that, it was vigorous yet non-eventful.  I had in mind to wait for the Mr. Colby/symbiote, but as luck would have it, he departed in a valley crossing as I was dallying in the back.  I quickly moved forward on speed in order to catch up to him, but was unable to.  I then made my own crossing of the valley and spotted Mr. Colby on the far side working in some light lift.  I proceeded to attempt to join him, arriving a thousand feet lower than he was, but he, I suspect under the influence of the symbiote, soon pushed out, leaving me to slowly dredge myself out of the hole I had dug just past the munitions bunkers.

I saw him depart and all else was conjecture.  I had visions of the Colby/symbiote landing lightly on the shores of Yokohama, of the duo working to discern the highest available chlorophyll content of the landing media, of virginal maidens throwing themselves at the feet of the otherworldly conqueror.  As I said, this was all conjecture--turns out that Mr. Colby is not as far gone as we were led to believe.  His humanity exerted itself and he was able to land in a grass covered park in Waianae!  You see, he is not as far gone as previous concerns dictated.  His humanity, and the loss of lift, were able to overcome the symbiote influence.

I did not know he had landed, and suspecting his approach to Yokohama, I kept pushing.  I dug in close to Waianae and Makaha in an attempt to continue to push forward--and secretly, to also land in Yokohama.  It was not to be--everything was shutting down, and the goats were flipping me the bird as I passed them on Makaha--they do not appreciate predatory fliers that are the size of Smart Cars.  I ended up landing out just passed Makaha.  It was good!

I can comfortably ascertain that Mr. Colby has not FULLY given into the amorphous alien symbiote.  His humanity remains in tact, FOR NOW!  Please reference this document for any chronological behaviors that you think should be recorded.  Mr. Colby is not "out-of the woods" yet.  He will need to be closely monitored.  If any of you find that you have spare time, I would suggest that you call Mr. Colby and request that he go flying with you.  You may find, as I did, his humanity, or, you may find something altogether alien...

Here is a clinical disbursement of my flight:

Flight statistics:
Date 2012-10-03
Start/finish 04:08:30 - 06:00:52
Duration 1 : 52 : 22
Max./min. height 1139 / 23 m
Max. mean/top speed 44 km/h / 45 km/h
Max/min climb rate 2.75 / -2.15 m/s over 60s
Total distance 52.58 km
Video to follow...


firedave2 said...

Impressive weaving of the word. Perhaps Logan's Run would be a dirting title. Good job all.

Waianae Jim said...

Nice flight Duck, guess I'll know better next time and put the extra effort in to hike high. FYI Alex actually landed in Kaupuni Neighborhood Park in Waianae. While yours was at Kea'au Beach Park past Makaha surfing beach.

Anonymous said...

just luv the way the tune adds to the story ! Aloha the 'bouncing beeman'

Thom said...

Man if you guys and gals are trying to stop me from bitching this was the wrong way to do it.

A quick cry on the chat, off to bed after several glasses of wine, to awake with such a yarn in ink.

Oh the joys of a morning coffee, after days of not flying to know that your fellow monkeys are making tracks.

Another story of great content and quality. The underlying truth of Alex's affliction woven into such a tale made me jealous and elated.

I think we may need to extend a title beyond just 'Duck'. Dr. Duck or perhaps Professor Duck.

I congratulate you on your flight and thank thee for the story.

JJ Jameson

Waianae Jim said...

@JJJ - I think Duck was so high from that flight he had to expend some energy to get to sleep. Doubt it had anything to do with you're "B****ing" at all. For the record Professor Duck didn't have a pod harness, more proof you really don't need one to go far in Hawaii.

Alex said...

Cute story. Smoking man, hmmm. My track is here. You can see how much deeper Duck flew both in Nanakuli and Waianae. I guess next time I need to man up a bit more and go deep like that! As it was, I didn't think we were going anywhere til I saw how deep Duck was going behind Nanakuli. I tried to follow, but on the way back there, a cloud sucked me up above 3,700 feet, which seemed like enough to start across. I got to the back of the little valley ridges in Waianae with more than two grand, and that's when I really should have done what Duck did and dive into the very back. But I thought I had enough to cross to the valley wall and climb up and over to Makaha, so I pressed on. But man, my track shows the end of my story: I lost a thousand feet in that last little crossing! Not sure where that sink was coming from. I had to limp back to land in the nice grassy park in Waianae Homestead. Later I saw Duck come in to that valley wall a bit higher than I had, and he stuck it out there in zeroes for what seemed like an hour before squeaking his way around into Makaha. Nice one, dude!

Puka Wai said...

Hmm, after seeing the video and the tracklog I conjecture that the symbiote has one one more siblings disguised by other names and are working as a team to spread their infestation. Clearly they have some sort of hypoxic component that inhibits detection by their hosts, are adaptable enough to render any vaccine ineffective and thus render the investigator's pronouncement that "everything is OK" extremely suspect.

Thom said...

Your right though Berndt, I think Duck has also been tainted and will be following and passing Alex more often. Duck's new appendage is not allergic to landings without grass. Maybe there is a mutation in the disease.

Maybe its the water in Punaluu/Haaula. All I know is a gotta have it!